Are you a female who is afraid to tell members of the opposite sex exactly how many degrees you have? When meeting a man you fancy for the first time, do you lie about your profession for fear that you will come across as too accomplished? Have you ever met a man who liked smart women “in theory”, but who couldn’t seem to handle it in practice – with you? Well, then you might be too smart for your own good. You, my friend, might suffer from “smart girl syndrome”.
Since the rise of feminism, medical professionals have been conducting research to counter the effects of “equality” and “smart girl syndrome” whereby women have come to believe that they should have wages comparable to their male counterparts and who have sought achievement in educational and professional endeavours.
The bacteria, known as Feminitis, has infected society writ-large and has left some, including the male species, unsure of how to handle the scourge. Due to Feminitis, some men have been left unsure of how to treat their female counterparts. They are left wondering: “Should I hold the door open for a lady”? “Do I pay on the first date”? “Is chivalry dead”? In addition to this, some men long for the “simpler days”, pre-Feminitis, when everyone knew what it was to be a “man” or a “woman”.
Given the confusion, and the numerous problems Feminitis has caused, such as paid maternity/parental leaves, regulations against sexual harassment, and female sports teams, the latest medical breakthrough, a pink pill developed by Feminomica, Feminitis will soon be a long-forgotten memory.
In following the Feminomica regime, women the world over will have a much easier go at life. Female ambition will be reduced, fewer feminist dissertations will be written, and the world will return to a Mad Men existence -well, at least pre-Peggy Olsen promotion to copywriter.
For best results, women should take at least three doses of the pink pill each day – not to be confused with The Pill, of course. In addition, following the subsequent steps will be your prescription for success:
1) Read Maxim, GQ, and Esquire – or other men’s magazines – with great earnestness – as though you were preparing for the LSAT. Repeat as necessary, or supplement with rap or R & B videos featuring curvy and well-endowed women. Mimic the scantily-clad women, true examples of femininity, and the effects of “smart girl syndrome” will be minimized.
2) Hang out with valley girls who sound like they should be in Clueless. Choose, particularly, those who are skilled in “up talk” and who unnecessarily use the word “like” while twirling their hair. You will be guaranteed not to be considered a “smart girl” after spending extensive time in their company.
3) If, despite the Feminomica regime, you still harbour interests in such professions as law, medicine, or finance, or other areas requiring one degree at minimum, it is recommended that you continue to fib about your true profession. Rather than saying such things as, “I am a doctor/lawyer/financial advisor/senior analyst”, say instead that you work in the area, not specifying your exact rank. If someone happens to think that you work for someone in those professions, so be it. Or, you could just say that you’re a backup dancer for Akon. That will get them every time.